


Issue 0-20

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-31
Updated: 2006-03-31
Packaged: 2019-02-02 16:18:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12729999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: A series of newspaper articles about the SGC.





	Issue 0-20

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

Staff Note: Since our fearless leader Ladyhawk was captured by the Gingerbread Men in attempt to cover this story, I, blogmistress Meri, last minute idea editor and the person in charge of coffee, have stepped in to report this story. Search and rescue efforts are still under way.

MUNCHIES END DECADES OF CIVIL WAR By Meritsekhmet

PPY-0816-General O'Neill narrowly avoided becoming a permanent resident of Molasses Swamp after an encounter with the hostile inhabitants of PPY-0816.

Immediately after arriving on PPY-0816, SG-1 noticed something was odd about the planet. "The trees had no leaves; instead they had large colored disks on thin white stems. They looked like a much larger version of something O'Neill once had stuck in his hair when he was fighting with DanielJackson over the Halloween candy," said Teal'c, SG-1 member more likely to buy his lover a hammer than a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. Other features were equally as sugary. Gumdrop mountains and forests of peppermint sticks and licorice were also found on the planet.

"We dialed Earth and reported back to the General. He then said something about 'planet Candyland' and made us wait at the Stargate until he could join us. After about an hour, we came across a village. The buildings all looked to be made of a material similar to peanut brittle," said Colonel Samantha Carter, member of SG-1 most likely to build a proton disrupter out of a candy cane. "It appeared to be inhabited by green gingerbread men." 

"It was awful! We were just about to go try to communicate with the green gingerbread men when caramel mortars started flying our way. Then sugared popcorn balls rolled into the village, with blue gingerbread men firing bubble gum bombs behind them. There were peanuts and gingerbread men parts everywhere!" exclaimed Dr. Daniel Jackson, head archaeologist who will sell his soul and reference books for bag of walnut chocolate cookies and the General's favorite all day lollipop. They had wandered into a vicious civil war between the four colors of gingerbread men that had been going on for decades. The cause of the war is thought to be the yellow and blue gingerbread men's revolt and the sacking of Candy Castle. The green and red gingerbread men allied against the other colors in an effort to restore the monarchy.

SG-1 thought better of trying to get weapons or information out of this group and attempted to return to Earth; however a contingent of yellow gingerbread men had taken up a position near the gate.

"There was no way we were getting back to the gate under that heavy of guard," said Colonel Carter. "We looked for a defensible area that we could wait out the gingerbread men. This was when we found the SnoBall pyramid."

"I specifically remember warning Jack to stay away from the pyramid. But when did he ever listen to me? Next thing I know, he's got this glazed look and is making a bee-line for the SnoBalls," said Dr. Jackson. "I got a really bad feeling really fast. And this wasn't from the macaroni and cheese that tasted like chicken."

"How was I supposed know the giant SnoBall pyramid was a... sacred giant SnoBall pyramid. It tastes like Sweet 'n' Low... I thought sugar was sacred... not the fake stuff." said General Jack O'Neill, the only man known to have survived sugar shock from 50 bowls of Fruit Loops in one day. Before the rest of SG-1 was able to pull the General away from the pyramid, a group of all 4 colors of gingerbread appeared on the far bank of the chocolate river. In all the confusion over why the four groups suddenly were cooperating, the gingerbread people managed to capture General O'Neill.

"I don't know what happened. One minute, we're trying to get Jack away from the SnoBalls. The next minute we were watching Jack being hauled off by the gingerbread men. Apparently Jack's desecration of the SnoBall pyramid united the gingerbread men," said Dr. Jackson.

SG-1 immediately hatched a plan to rescue the General. Teal'c dressed up as a Munchkin and began to sing "The Lollipop Guild" to distract the gingerbread men while Dr. Jackson and Colonel Carter snuck into the encampment to find General O'Neill. "It's a good thing we showed up when we did. The gingerbread men had decreed that Jack was to be thrown into Molasses Swamp as punishment for desecrating the SnoBall pyramid," said Dr. Jackson. Being thrown into Molasses Swamp is the worst punishment in Gingerbread society. Gingerbread men thrown into the swamp dissolve slowly, unlike milk, which is quick and painless.

"We headed back to the gate, and the gingerbread men were not far behind. Unfortunately, we encountered an obstacle. It was a giant river of Coke with Neapolitan bars floating in it," said Colonel Carter. The only way across the river was on one of the ice cream bars. The team managed to board one of the larger ice cream bars and attempted to paddle to the far shore.

The gingerbread men were still in pursuit. Many of them had also used the Neopolitan bars as rafts. However, the gingerbread men did not know how to use the rafts, and many ended up being swept down river into the Fizzy Rapids. Gingerbread man losses numbered into the thousands.

The teams made it through the gate and returned to Earth only suffering from soda stains on their clothes and mild sugar shock. General O'Neill quickly took charge and made note that the planet was henceforth off-limits.

"I will never eat dessert again! Oh, and will someone find out if Thor owns stock in Hasbro or something?" said General O'Neill. He could not be reached for further comment as he was busy dunking gingerbread men in milk and watching them fall apart.


End file.
